10 must-have dude registry gifts

You are in your new living room. It smells like… female. The couches? Not yours. The chairs? Nope.

You had a chair. Her name was Old Faithful. She was with you during countless Madden wins. Numerous beer spills. And she smelled of chili. And dude. But, Old faithful is gone now. You parted ways with her weeks ago. After all that you had been through with your favorite chair, you left her on the side of the road as if she never helped you defeat Halo. And Halo 2. And 3.

But don’t worry. You are getting married. And when you get married, everyone bestows groom gifts upon you. Showering you with things. And more things. Surely there is something in this heap just for you! Yeah… Right… But… We can dream. And this is Menguin. A modern day man Sparta. So cheers to you Old Faithful. Here is the top 10 Must Have, wedding registry ideas for guys.

1. VICTORIA’S SECRET GIFT CARD.

That’s right. You didn’t read this wrong. You take that card. You give it to your new wife. You go right to that store. And you put in work. Buy your wife everything you can get your hands on. You will do this, because you are no fool. Victoria’s Secret is the only true win/win. It is the gift that keeps on giving.

2. KEGERATOR.

Sounds cliche. But. It isn’t. It is a Kegerator. And it is crucial.

3. DYSON FAN.

The cuddle sweats. I don’t care if it takes 40 people throwing in $10 a piece. Poppa gonna get that Dyson fan. This sucker keeps you cool when you need it. In style. And on point.

4. NFL TICKET.

Ladies. What if I told you there was a show that is basically like The Bachelorette and Say Yes to the Dress with a side of Real Housewives? And it premieres tonight? And Ryan Gosling is coming over with a puppy to listen to how you feel about it after? The way you feel right there. That is our NFL Ticket.

5. OCULUS RIFT.

Dudes. We love to do some adventuren’. We also love to not do that and just sit on the couch. Now. We can do both. At the same time. OR is some serious wizardry. I cannot wait for the day that I can tell people how much I have virtually accomplished.

6. BIG GREEN EGG.

This bad boy is the mother ship of grills. If a witch threw the Macgyver box set, a beard, a bottle of Beam and a butterfly knife into a cauldron, the Big Green Egg would appear. That is all you need to know.

7. SPA GIFT CERTIFICATES.

That do not expire. Picture this. You have a safety deposit box at the local bank under the name Burt Chestwell. In that safety deposit box is 50 or so spa gift certificates that do not expire. Any time you run into a problem with the wifey, BOOM, you come home with a spa day for her.

8. A DAMN DRONE.

And NOT A Crappy One. At the end of the day, all a grown man wants to be is a kid. So just get him a damn drone. And not the cheapo kind that breaks or will not turn left. Splurge a bit. Inevitably it will break when he tries to airlift the neighborhood cat, but it will be hours of pilot training before this feat is attempted.

9. A PUP.

Man’s best friend. You will need it, because some days you will just lose. You will not know why. She will not know why. But, most importantly, the dog will not care. At least you will have a friend when vacationing in the dog house. Name the beast well. Like Kyle. Or Larry. You do not meet a lot of dogs named Kyle or Larry. Something kinda sad about that. I like the name Robert as well.

10. A BADASS CAMERA.

Because that is what good husbands and dads do. They take the pictures and help make the memories. In a world where time moves way too fast, most men are just trying to freeze it the best they can. A badass camera is the best we can do.